He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
