remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
