Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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