maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize