So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
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i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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