i was born a porn star she said
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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