TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
