i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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