I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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