So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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