did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
