He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
