I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
did i just pee glitter
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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