Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
