quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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