hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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