You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
