I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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