Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
