i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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