allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
