Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
