after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
