I could make wine with my vomit
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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