Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
