Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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