Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
