Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
