just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
