I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
