Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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