You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.