Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.