I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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