If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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