Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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