Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
