I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
