I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
