I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
