pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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