Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
