btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
