Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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