Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
