As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
