We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
