I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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