I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
