I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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