Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.