I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.