I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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