I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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