Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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