i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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