I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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